Most people think of vulnerability as a negative. Look around, in this day and age it's about protect and defend. People usually don't talk about the importance of being vulnerable. Here's the problem....being vulnerable..or let's choose an easier word on the eyes...open, is necessary in love and it takes a certain tolerance. If you walk around protected all the time you are not vulnerable and at the same time you are not open to love. Only when the heart is open is love received and given. Otherwise you have defenses. Don't believe me? Have you ever tried to love a defensive person? Usually you can't get in close enough to do so.....distance, chilly, distance, more chilly, etc. I think you get the point. So how do you go from defensive (not vulnerable) to open?
Not to make things overly complicated, but you will have to take several factors into account. One is whether or not you are ready to take a risk? And risks involve the possibility of getting hurt. Of course, this is not only from a psychology book but my own experience of being overly protected. Going from protected to open is not easy because you can always rationalize why its easier to stay defensive. The bottom line is risk means being prepared to deal with hurt if it happens.
Beyond the risk there must be a belief or faith in your own personal ability to handle and heal hurt. Most people avoid stuff because deep done inside they don't believe they can handle the experience. Love-life experiences are definitely included. If you stop thinking of vulnerability or openness as a weakness or something and more like a particular state of mind that has its time and place and function, it makes it easier. In the state of emotional openness love can emerge in your feelings and you are vastly more receptive to accepting someone else's love.
I got married when I was 40. I had spent many years in control of my life and love-life. That means keeping myself unaffected by the real impact of a love relationship. I probably did that by semi-consciously staying away from anyone I thought I could love. Looking back, I regret having done that. But nevertheless it was my way of staying away from being hurt. You see, the implication here is that hurt would be something I could not handle. So the conclusion was always scrap the experience all together. I wish I could tell you that some miraculous experience happened to change my mind about this but it was far less dramatic than that. More like a willingness to take a risk because the old male version age clock was ticking away. Becoming conscious of my fear was the first step, and that occurred with a little help from good old fashioned anxiety and loneliness. I can remember the decisions and thoughts I had when I decided to live with my wife. The vulnerability flag went up, up, up but I figured it was time to jump in no matter what the consequence. For some reason going down with the burning ship was more desirable than being safe. My point here is to isolate, if I can, that moment of decision to accept a certain degree of uncomfortable vulnerability for a good cause. It's worth studying for love's sake.
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